i'm moving??!

I've been procrastinating writing this blog post in hopes that something profound would come to me, but it hasn't yet, and I'm getting onto my plane in less than twelve hours, so I suppose it's time.

Later today, I begin my trek to Scotland after spending a wonderful 25 years in Alberta. Though, I think this trek began long before today. Last year, I received an email I wrote myself in 2021. It was filled with the ramblings of my 19-year-old self, speaking of relationships, how 'cringe' my 13-year-old self was, Zoom university classes, and Biden's inauguration (oh if they could see the world now...) but the part that hit me the hardest was one of the final sentences in the email.

"By the way, I'm studying right now to become a drama teacher. Hopefully by the time you get this email, I'll be done, and maybe living in Europe. Wouldn't that be cool?"

I didn't end up doing the teaching degree that would make me a drama teacher, but I did end up teaching (ish), and I've done a LOT of really cool theatre, so I'm counting that as a win. Dreams of moving abroad have been something I've been thinking about for a long time, and that email felt like the push I needed to make it happen. That, along with the wonderful, beautiful, kind-hearted person I fell in love with, who happens to also live abroad.

I'm doing this for me though, and my 19-year-old self who dreamed big dreams, and my 13-year-old self whose room was entirely decorated with pictures of Paris and Amsterdam. It's been a long time coming, and I am finally feeling capable enough to make it happen. Is it one of the scariest things I've ever done? Yes. Is it maybe a little bit crazy to do once I've started establishing myself in Calgary? Also yes. Is it impulsive to make this move to a country I've never been to before? ...yes. Am I doing it anyway? Well, I've already paid a lot of money, and the tickets are looooooong since booked, so, yes.

The past two weeks have been a flurry of packing up my life, and trying very hard to see as many people as I possibly can. It's made it easier though. Less time to stress if I'm busy all the time. This whole thing didn't start feeling real until a few days ago, and even now, I think it won't feel truly real until I'm there and doing it!

Packing was tough. I've collected so many things over the years. Between clothes, and trinkets, and art, and art supplies, I feel like I could fill a department store. And yes, that is maybe an exaggeration, but when you're trying to fit your whole life into a few suitcases, suddenly you have so many things. Trying to wean everything down felt like an impossible task. And I struggled to come to terms with the idea that what makes me me is myself and not my stuff. But it also is my stuff. It's my clothes, and my books, and my plants, and my art. Sending things away felt a little bit like giving pieces of myself away. Luckily, I have wonderful friends and family who gave my things loving homes, but it was still hard. Now, nearly everything I own is stuffed into three suitcases and a tote bag (with some extras lovingly stored at my parents houses, thank you ♡). And it feels so freeing to not be so attached. I did have a few little crying sessions through the process, but I did it. And I'm still me. And now perhaps with less of a penchant for consumerism, so that's a win.

The harder part of the process was the farewells. I know that the world is so uber-connected these days, and it's not like I'm saying goodbye forever. I will be back, and people will visit. And the internet is like, everywhere all the time. So it's not really goodbye. Knowing all that doesn't make it any easier though. Or, it does and it doesn't. I'm going to miss everyone so much. And I know it's going to feel so different. I really do love the life I've made for myself here in Calgary. And so, none of these farewells have been goodbyes. They've been good lucks, and I'll miss yous, and come visits, and stay in touchs, and I love you so much forever and evers. Spending time with dear friends at my favourite pubs, or walking through the neighbourhood, or trekking through the mosquito infested Nose Hill Park, or sweet visits at home. All of it has felt more like a really fierce and loving hug than a goodbye. And don't get me wrong, I've cried a lot. Chest heaving, ugly face, truly leaking, crying. I'm sad about it. I love my people with the force of everything in me that makes me alive. But none of it is goodbye. Not really. And this kind of love does stretch beyond oceans. So, to my friends and family who are so so so dear to me: I love you, I'm going to miss you so much, I'll see you soon.

All this to say, I'm scared, I'm doing it anyway. And I'm really really excited about this next chapter of my life.

I'm going to end this blog post with another excerpt from 19-year-old Nyx, and also some of my favourite pictures from the last chapter of life.

"It's okay to feel overwhelmed, or lonely, or upset. Remember that it historically, has always gotten better. Remember that you're alive and that's a gift. It is okay to take breaks and just breathe. Remember how strong you've already been. I know you are going to make it through whatever life throws at you."